I am an adopted child, but a huge part of who I am today is because I was adopted; because I was given the opportunity to grow up in an environment that facilitated growth through education and through values taught within a traditional home. For these and so many more reasons, I will forever be grateful to my adoptive family.
My adoptive mother suffered many years of difficultly with having children of her own but that eventually changed. Her biological son was born eleven years after adopting me.
On the surface, how both children were treated may appear to have been similar but a deeper look within the walls of that household would reveal a palpable preference for one over the other.
Add to that the energy of derogatory slurs, regular threats of being sent back to my original family and reinforcement that my future would likely be dim, I became disappointed, to say the least.
We expect those we love to lift us, to tell us we’re special, to build our confidence and make us feel worthy. When they don’t meet our expectations, we feel disappointed. When they in fact cause us hurt though their words and actions, we end up feeling like a wounded bird; broken.
I allowed myself to believe that I was unworthy of love – my relationship choices have been clear evidence of this. The lack of self-love showed up in my weight and my undisciplined relationship with food and exercise. Fear and a lack of confidence in myself and my abilities, have played out through decades of indecisiveness and procrastination.
These feelings have kept me stuck for years. On approaching my 50th birthday, I decided I had enough; it was time for this bird to fix the broken wing. And so I started the process of healing.
It has been a slow process, but I believe I finally accept that only I am responsible for my pain, and therefore only I can transform this suffering. I made the decision to let it go, to forgive – especially myself for taking this long to ‘get it’.
I acknowledge my feelings associated with my family history and accept that my mother loved me in the way she knew how to. Like the rest of us, she herself has broken parts, but made a choice to give of herself, and I thank her for that.
I could continue to expend energy punishing her and holding severe resentment towards her for the way she behaved towards me, but this will only hurt me and keep me stuck.
I am on the eve of a brand new chapter, an opportune time for healing. My objective is to move forward happy and at peace with myself, and so I will challenge myself daily, to show compassion, to bless her and express gratitude for her role in my journey.
Bless you, thank you …new beginnings!
